Thank you for downloading the Friday Night Comedy podcast from Radio 4. To find out more, visit bbc.co.uk/radio4, but not until you've enjoyed this week's News Quiz.

We present the News Quiz with your host, Sandi Toksvig.

Hello and welcome to the News Quiz. We start with a cutting from BH Life magazine for Bournemouth residence, read by Corrie Corfield. / Bournemouth's original Children's Festival ran from 1905, but had to be stopped in 1914 when fighting broke out that led to the start of World War One. / And our thanks to Julia Liddle of Bournemouth for sending that in. Uh, let's meet the team. Will you welcome first, on my right, Jeremy Hardy and Holly Walsh, ... and, opposite, on my left, Romesh Ranganathan and Susan Calman.

Jeremy, whose welfare policies aren't faring well? / Oh lordy. Labour policy is a bit like Channel 4. Not all the content is appalling, but somebody told the people in charge that stigmatizing marginalized people, uh, grabs headlines. So, Channel 4 make programs called "Aren't Poor Fat People Hilarious?", and Labour wheels out Rachel Reeves, who says, "Look, our message is gobbledygook, but it's important that we make that gobbledygook even more incomprehensible to Britain's hard costive working one nation living crisis families who do the right thing by getting the skills they need to compete with graduates who stack shelves in ASDA.", 'Cause this is the problelm with this whole idea of Oh, we'll get, you know, young people off of benefits and make them go into training. Training to do what? Basically they mean kids who haven't got maths GCSE. If you don't have maths GCSE, it's a curse that follows you, it's like worse than having a criminal record. It follows your whole life. There are countries you can't even go to. So, my solution is you give everyone at 16, maths GCSE ... I mean, you know, I got an A in O-Level Maths in 1977. I couldn't do it now, you know, I would walk into the exam room and say "what did I come in here for?" But, you know, so, it's just ... this idea of training / we need to force people to pay people properly and provide apprenticeships, not ... not .... and most people in receipt of benefits've got jobs anyway. So, and ... and why not? The people who ... the people ... yeah, why not force the banks, you know, they've had quite a lot of state benefits. Why not make them go back to school? I suspect many of them haven't got maths GCSE. / I felt ... I just feel really ... I've got three fabulous kids. They're all, you know, in their 20's. I feel sorry for young people now 'cause, honestly, they've got poor job prospects, they've got massive student debt, they're all expected to wear patterned leggings ... I think it's just awful. / The other ... the whole thing's about this entitlement/contribution thing, you know, this idea of everyone must have contributed into the system before they can receive something, and / how do you ... I mean ... uh, my friend, Eva, who's 2, who was in hospital for the first 6 months of her life. She'd only been in the country a few hours. I doubt wether she had a passport of any description. She had contributed nothing to the Exchequer, and yet, was in receipt of NHS care, undeservedly, I may say. / And I think that one of the problems is that, well, Ed Miliband's not doing well in the polls. / No, he really isn't. In a recent poll, the public were asked, is this man ready to be a PM? 31% said NO, 22% YES, and 47% said "I don't know, but I loved him as the penguin in the Wrong Trousers. / The Labor twitter account was hacked, and, uh ... I don't know if anyone saw this, what I loved about this, is, if you hack a political party's twitter account, usually you'll swear or say something horrific, 'cause it's fun, but the person who hacked it said, "Everyone'll get a free owl. That ... that is the most popular policy statement Labour has made ... because twitter went, "Yeah, we'll have a free owl. That sounds absolutely lovely." / I think it's ... it's a great step-up from the zero-owl working contracts. / I'm sorry, but extra point to Romesh. That was a fantastic ... / This idea that Miliband is unelectionable is a media confection because once you say somebody is unelectionable because of what they look like, everyone says "Yeah, that's right", you say "What? Are you that shallow?" / no, no, but the fact is, in this terribly shallow age, where people judge by apperance and this is what everyone thinks / I don't think / I'm not that shallow. I'm interested in his policies. I don't care that he has got too many teeth and funny adenoids, and his hair cut was decided by an electoral college system / But Peter Mandelson said that, um, he couldn't pretend that, when knocking on doors / people were excited about it probably because they were thinking why the hell is Peter Mandelson knocking on my door? / At night, presumably. / Yeah. Uh ... / Holly, you are ... you are young, much younger person. Um ... what do you think? / I think it is a good idea. I'm surprised you are anti. I thought it was quite a good idea. / sending people who haven't got qualifications, helping them try and find some kind of direction, encouraging them to train up in the job that they wanna do ... I think that's a good idea. I'm surprised you are laying into them so much. / Because, training to do what? I mean, how do you know, at that age what you're gonna do, wanna do depends on jobs available, isn't it? / If the only job is working in TESCO / what is the training for that? / Working in Lidl. / I would personally offer, just now, employment for four young people to carry a box around that I can stand on to make me a normal height. I am personally making that offer and I would pay them a reasonable, low wage, uh ... there is a possibility that, in the future, I will promote them to bathing me in the ... / That's not a promotion. / That is a promotion. / Uh ... Ed Miliband has unveiled a series of new welfare policies aimed at getting more young people in work in the wake of plummeting poll figures. The opposition will pledge to deny benefits to jobless people under 21. The category "Jobless people under 21" has been brought in to replace the old term for them: "Children".

Holly, who's been __ed / NHS best? / I love this story ... / Good. / really proud of ... uh ... this / best healthcare system in the world, and when I heard this I thought " / I knew it. I mean, / when / qualifiers / against the French Hospital System, I thought, "I knew / good / we picked up a few injuries, but __ __ helped us, and, uh ... yeah, this is the news that, in a / US fundation / well, according to them, out of eleven countries, we came top with the NHS. And the NHS got so much of, uh, sort of, bad s__, it's nice to see that we are doing all right with something. / a bit, for me, it's a bit like / world cup, for some inexplicable reason, uh, Denmark was not involved, so it doesn't count / I don't know what ... / chose __ particular eleven countries / decided. Let's have a look them. / They just / they tried to find ten that are worse than England so that we look good. / Americans notoriously don't like the British healthcare system / yeah, the eleven wealthiest countries. / Yeah, eleven wealthiest nations. / Americans don't like our system because you're not allowed to bring guns into the operating theatre. / Um, can I just say we've had lots and lots of people send in the same, uh, clipping / same / expert panel rates NHS world's best health care system. The only serious black mark against the NHS was its poor record on keeping people alive." I've got theory about this, why / bad at keeping people alive / everything else is good. It's because British People, we know we have the NHS, which means we start behaving like absolute __. For example, a few years ago / jumping off a __. Now there is no way I would have done that had I known I have to work / months / many people / jumping off a p__ / free to get sorted out. I mean, that's / that's an unusual tactic. / loads of times / never occurred to me. / I have to say, I, uh, I once got so drunk I ended up in casualty and I will kill my agent for that. Uh ... __ __ think about nurses not wearing squeeky shoes? This is one of the new things / they, uh, I don't think / shoes / I want to hear that tuba music that used to follow Hattie Jacques / in / I think you / squeeky shoes 'cause you want to know they're coming, 'cause the only time I was ... I was __ __ have my / when I was 21 / one grew back / if you heard / was that when, um ... / I'm essentially / in-between step between humanity and super-powers, but that's a different story / I was in a hospital / you think your right tonsil / super-power? / Yes. ... I mean, it's not a good one. The other thing I / genuinely, I can tell if milk is off before I open the fridge door. / ... Wow. / Genuinely. I ... / 'Cause you remember buying it several months ago? / No. / __ __ __ milk for three months / I walked / fridge / milk's off / I was like, "I know this one __ __ humanity, but it is still a super-power. / Wow. / my grown-back right tonsil and milk powers, I'm just __ing, genetically ... / I ... I've got a scar on my cheek that tingles when there's gonna be a lightening storm. / are you genuinely / Harry Potter / because / Yeah. / Are you? / Yeah. / can I just / Lightening Cheek Woman / and Sour Milk Right Tonsil Woman / how impressive that is depends on the window of time you are allowing, like, if it tingles / three / later / to be honest with you / 20 minutes / cool / it's like, yeah, up to an hour / Huh. Then you deserve a comic book. / about / I was / all the way across / much younger / middle / weather is going to change. And my children teased me / getting a tatoo / going to have / zip first / If they leave a scalpel in you, / Yeah? / sometimes you can tell that there's a lightening storm, because / Yeah. / You get quite conductive in that __ ... Here's the strange thing, / Yeah? / when my grandfather died / exact moment he died / huge portrait of him fell off the wall ... hit him on head and killed him. / And this is also true ... Sandi? / Sometimes it's more like panto. / Yeah. / genuinely true, / genuinely true? / I __ __ only happened once / encountered once / your left tonsil grew back, and then ... / I've got a scar in the back of my leg, which happened when / long jump pit when I was at school / I lept / What were you doing in the long jump pit? / do you / of all places, / ever tried to imagine / long jump pit / I was actually good ... / how __ was the school? / school __ people who are either going to do long jump at the school or sit in somebody's garden with a fishing pond / Careful now, your right tonsil will flare up. / I was very good at long jump. / You were very good at long jump? / I was. I was a good sprinter. And I was just __ myself. Anyway, I had a serious injury. / __ did you? What did they use to make you jump __ ? __ put sour milk at the other end? / Anyway ... so, I was in Edinburgh __ __ __ __ __ / pain in my scar as Hugh Grant walked past. ... So, I can detect / __ kick you? / ... I can detect whenever / in the area by my s__ / well, we ... we're certainly building towards a feature film with you. ... The NHS has been declared the world's best healthcare system according to report by the Common__ fund / International Panel / Medical Experts / So, if you see / upswing / number of people waving English flags / crosses on their face, that'll be the reason. Uh, 2 points to Holly.

Romesh, who's going to get fined if their kids drop behind? / Uh ... parents. Sir Michael __ __, __ Ofsted head dude / said / if parents allow homework to be not done, miss parents' evenings, or failed to / children / they're gonna be fined. They're gonna crack down on bad parenting / I used be a teacher and, you know / was / brag it, sometimes, you know / quite __, I don't really know what to say, and then I would just say / to / "what do you think I'm gonna say?" Uh, ... and then, based on what they start to sulk / like, you know, / You're basically like a psychic, like a bad psychic. / Basically, / kid would sit down, and I would start feeling my scar as to how good or bad they might be / take my ability seriously / I'm starting to think you don't actually believe I have abilities. / No. I really do. Why don't you do a long jump for us right now? / I can see __ exciting super hero film about scarred people / called "The X__ __" / could be like / worst version of Avengers ever. __ / also / the other thing is, you know, / children / my son / recently started schooling / reading with your child is one of the most magical and rewarding things you can do, um ... on day 1. Uh ... after that, it's one of the most inane, unrewarding, boring thing you could possibly do because __ __, they just look at the picture and put / into / any regard / look at my son and he says, "Jack went spider" and I'm like, "How did Jack go spider? Doesn't even make sense ... show me what it looks like when Jack goes spider. What are you talking about? / you know / of course / relationship breakdown. Uh ... / really impressed / honestly, small children are deeply annoying. Um ... my __ __ who's now nine / point / children / once / color / within the lines, they become __ human beings. Before that, it's just hedious. And, uh ... trying to play I Spy with a child / just learning to read / one / on the planet, I was in the car / she must have been about five, uh, and I was doing / double-decker next to us, and I said, uh, "Something beginning with "B" __ __ long pause, nothing, nothing at all. "B" / double decker next to us. I said, "Lots of people travel on that." "Oh, I know. Wheelchair." / Yeah. They are like Family Fortune contestants, aren't they? / something you might find in a sock drawer. ... "Uh ... antelope?" / worse / the other way around, and they say / beginning with "T", and / 45 minutes / I give up / "Banana." Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? / this sort of parenting thing, __ __, I've had a bad experience myself 'cause we had to move my son from one school to another. I said to my __ __ choose a school / around the house / I would, uh, you know, step up and do something and be a better husband, and I chose a school that was shut down for not meeting minimum government requirement / that's __ situation / one of / Michael / free schools. ... You know, I think the solution should be to make / pick / nearest one / instead, I've got / do a tour, a five-minute tour of a school and make a decision. I'm still not sure about my wife, you know, __ I know I have to wonder around, making a decision. / they keep comparing / system / private system / well / private system / if all the state schools were just as good / well / the rich / completely different attitude to education. They sit the child down at age of four and say, "Now your mother and I / still love each other very much, and you'll always be at the forefront of our minds, but we are not seeing you for a while / are you going away, father? / No, no. I'm not going away. No, no. No no. No, you misunderstand. __ __ __ be seeing when you are 21. / I went to a boarding school / boarding school 20 minutes from my parents' house, ... which is what / I was easily within driving distance for them to drop me off and pick me up / don't worry / see you in two weeks / fine / I went / boarding school / I don't know if / know / seriously it's 10-15 minutes up the road. ... "Head teachers and principals should fine e__ parents who failed to attend school meetings / with homework" according to Sir Michael Wilshaw, the chief inspector of Ofsted. I have to say, __ parents / years / I / charged 80 pounds / for leaving my son on a double yellow. ... 2 points to R__.

At the end / in the lead with six.

We start Round 2 with an ad from the Cygnus book magazine. / For Sale. Two-bedroom detatched house / healing sanctuary. The property is suitable / interested in healing or alternative therapies. __ __ __ __ / And our thanks to A__ for sending us that.

Holly, why is no one liking GCHQ? / this ... this ... / story about the gevernment monitoring all our tweets and direct messages and any other chat on social network / I don't see it as particularly new news because I have been scanning Facebook for years doing full background check / anyone I fancy. So, this is / this is the story of Charles __ / government's, um, senior security officer, and he's officially confirmed for the first time that they've been looking __ all our stuff to find out where terrorists are. So, as a test, I decided direct message my friend __ with something I think / terrorist / you know, like, bomb, __, I don't know what terrorists write, but, uh ... / a little more subtle than that. I don't know, but ... / anyway / nothing, apart from, uh ... all my __ were stopped and I haven't heard from __ for six weeks, but ... yeah, I think it's amazing / doing / everything now / no privacy whatsoever / wouldn't it be great / just made this whole __ social media spying thing / because / caught on Facebook at work? / This is a tremendously __y story / this is my / Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000, which "Oooo, do you feel it? / it is, eh, / of course / and ... it really is __ __ __ nerd, "This is like ..." / Seriously, darling, you need to get out more, honestly. / No, it is, because, the point is, the ... the RIP Act 2000 allows / allowed all this to happen / it's actually astonishing mission ... which is ... because twitter __ __ etc., etc., all based / US / considering / external communication. So, even if I was direct-messaging you / really like each other, if / Rebecca __, she fancies me, if I was ... if I was direct-messaging you, because it goes / servers abroad / they can look at that / without a warrant / justification / looking everything, 'cause / but the RIP Act allows them to do that. / But it must be so boring. Did you see that the CIA / had a twitter account now / briefly followed Keith Chegwin. / Did you, uh, did you see that they tweeted __ __ from Northern Ireland / "This is our first tweet" / yeah / but, I don't know, like, you know, I sort of think, you know, / who really cares / how many cat videos can you watch? You know / if you look at Facebook / say nine / I like to go through / look for people / I know / could be on the verge of __ breakdown / people say / why / happen / good people / that's when you wanna follow / that's gonna / just click a "Like" / touch / stand back and enjoy, you know. / I don't think there are many terrorists __ __ they keep saying, "We know who the jihadists are. They are currently in Syria, fighting the Asad regime." and you think, "Well, all right / retire that accent, but you __ brought it back now / __ __ __ __ William Hague __ for. / Can I just say the BBC would be very keen that you didn't confuse the two. ... Uh, The government's most senior security official, Charles __, has admitted that Facebook / and twitter / security / they are deemed to be external communications. Those wishing to avoid a snooping government are advised to have / whatsoever / by either re-routing their IP address or signing up to BT Broadband. ... 2 points to Holly.

Jeremy, which separation has been hard to bear? / Oh, __ Paddington Bear. OK. / Holly / what's gonna be / hard to bear / beause they're making a new action movie about Paddington Bear / because they weren't happy with the / Michael / new film in which Paddington Bear has sex with Muffin the Mule, and ... and there is a plot to take over the world, and they have to defeat it and things like that. And, uh, they thought, "Who should play Paddington?" / obviously someone Peruvian would make sense, 'cause that's where he's from, / to do it / just didn't feel / his voice is right / much of Paddington's back story / what we know is / Paddington station with a note / strongly suspect he's, um, from the Shining Path guerillas in Peru with this bogus story about his / kind of / eating / who needs to be adopted, and clearly he's operating as a mole within ... within children's __s. / I'm worried about it / causing all sorts of problems / destroys __ family house / obvious anti-immigration message. Uh ... / The thing is, / Paddington Bear has / given, passive-agressive person / all the time / just stare, 'cause / that's what / angry. He just stared / know / five minutes ago, but you know they felt that / from you / if you do that they're / think / what a way, though / they don't know that's a stare / voice / who do you / voice? / I would have Helen __. / J__ H__ would be great 'cause / wouldn't make any effort. He would just say / bear / from Peru. I like __ marmalade sandwich. / Yeah. / Paddington Bear played as the elephant man. / wish / George Osborne / really. I do. / that same battered suitcase / he / know / London underground works either. / just / worried / I'm glad / voice is too sexy to be a / cause / safety word. / Oscar-winning actor Colin Firth was pulled out of voicing / film / Peruvian bear simply doesn't have his voice. The news that / pulling out of P__ / Board of Film Classification immediately raising the film __ 18. ... The film / brought the story into the modern age / turns up / train station / now he's removed and destroyed by the security services / that was annoying / when / do that / train stations / announcement / any unattended items will be destroyed / warning / that is a warning / bing-bong ... b__.

Before we reveal the final score / anybody got / cutting that they would like to share / Chamber / offer a selection of teas to accompany an array of cut-finger sandwiches." / Romesh. / Uh, this is, um, sent with the ground regulation __ international / cricket ground / tickets for the / test match / regulation #7: The throwing of any object / within / strictly forbidden." / Holly. / This sent with the / Independent Online / saggy pants low / goes / trousers down. All I know is / running / said __ __ . "That's the bottom line." / Susan. / Yeah, sure. This is from the Sunny Times, from Chris Henry, / there / reports / 24 / out of / police forces / responded. The lowest / City of London with only one / house __ __ Edinburgh / thefts. However, 30,000 of those were bees.

Let's hear __ the final score, Jeremy and Holly / points / Romesh and Susan __ 14.

Before we leave, you hear / a cutting spotted by Mark __ from __ newspaper / cannabis drug / promising results / small study of children / hard-to-treat epilepsy, sending __ in its British maker to an all time high. / And, with that, good-bye.

Taking part in the News Quiz / Jeremy Hardy / Sandi / script / Jack Benrhardt and Andy Walton / additional material by / gabby / the producer was K__ Jerome

To listen again / bbc / /radio4/comedy.

Source: BBC Radio 4 "Friday Night Comedy" http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/fricomedy fricomedy_20140620-1900a.mp3